December 14, 1972

     My dearest darling John:
     Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
     Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
     Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

     My love always,
     Agnes

     =======================================================
     December 15, 1972

     Dearest John:
     Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
     imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very
     thoughtful gift.
     They are just adorable.

     All my love,
    Agnes

     ========================================================
     December 16, 1972

     Dear John:
    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
     don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
    darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

     All my love,
     Agnes

     ========================================================
     December 17, 1972

     Dear John:
     Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
     they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You
     are being too romantic.

     Affectionately,
     Agnes

     =========================================================
     December 18, 1972

     Dearest John:
    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
    rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love
    it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on
     my nerves.
 
     All my love,
     Agnes
 
      ======================================================
     December 19, 1972

     Dear John:
     When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
     laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again
    huh?
 
   These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
  are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
   stop.
 
   Cordially,
    Agnes
 
      ======================================================
     December 20, 1972

     John:
     What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
     swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
     over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
     night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
   freaking birds.
 
     Sincerely,
     Agnes
 
      ========================================================
     December 21, 1972

     O.K. Buster:
     I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
     8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds
    and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
    There is manure all over      the lawn and I can't move in my own
house.
    Just lay off me, smartass.
 
     Agnes
 =========================================================
     December 22, 1972
      Hey Shithead:
      What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
     playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
     those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
     getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
     birds.What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
  petition to evict me. You’ll get yours !
    Agnes
     ==========================================================
      December 23, 1972
 
     You rotten prick:
     Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
     sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night
  long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.
    My living room is a river of shit.
    The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

   I'm calling the police on you !
    Agnes
 
      ========================================================
     December 24, 1972

    Listen Fuckhead:
     What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
     ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those
pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
  trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,you
rotten vicious swine.
 
      Your sworn enemy,
      Agnes
      =========================================================
     December 25, 1972
      Dear Sir:
    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
   fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes   McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you
should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at
Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
  With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

     Cordially,
     Law Offices of
    Ben Dover and Koff