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Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
forwarding fifty billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking six-year-old
girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise
enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to
the traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is
going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are
you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking
bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big "FUCK YOU!" to all the people out
there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which
was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by
midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll
be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of
blatant stupidity.
Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least
send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to
fifty of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human
being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being
forwards about ninety times.
I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.
Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to
make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send
this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat
and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS
letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!
Here's how it goes: *Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed
off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5
people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. *Send this to 10-20
people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no
parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for
every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving
Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and
remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a
complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you don't send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3:
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This
is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably
not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works...
pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible
will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school
on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She
then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed
down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall.
Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain
letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so
was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went
to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like
Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and
everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4 As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends.
FRIENDS:
A friend is someone who is always at your side. A friend is someone
who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've
been eating cat food. A friend is someone who likes you even though
you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes. A friend is someone who cleans up for
you after you've soiled yourself. A friend is someone who stays with you
all night while you cry about your sad, sad life. A friend is someone
who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped
by mad gorillas, then thrown to vicious dogs. A friend is someone who scrubs
your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak
much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady. A friend is not someone
who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to
come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's
funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a
leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27
years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if
You forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all
your undies missing tomorrow morning.
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