The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want
you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns
to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and
as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast,I know you’ll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same apartment building.

One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.

"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognizes me."


On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. ”Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My goodness, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe, and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, OH,OH MY, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"


It was this really hot day and this penguin was having car trouble, so he took it into a garage. The penguin asks, 'How long will it be?'

The mechanic says,' Just a few minutes.'

So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.

Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, 'So, how's my car?'

The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, 'Looks like you blew a seal.'

The penguin says, 'No, No, NO, I was just eating ice cream.'



A woman goes to see her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say "'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"




A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day
when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home
from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally,
after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells
his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to
Bally's."

So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in
the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice
tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on
17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins.

The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it
slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The voice says, "Shit."